


these words on a page

by avarry



Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band)
Genre: M/M, Minor Character Death, Original Character(s), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Unrequited Love, mentions of bullying
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-10-08
Packaged: 2019-06-25 20:44:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15648615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avarry/pseuds/avarry
Summary: Junhee meets Sehyoon in his junior year of high school. He doesn't know it yet but this is the beginning.





	1. the beginning

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Waiting All Night](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14039568) by [strawberryjunhee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberryjunhee/pseuds/strawberryjunhee). 



> this fic is inspired by strawberryjunhee's Waiting All Night. If you haven't read it, go and do it now. 
> 
> title from 1000 Times by Sara Bareilles
> 
> this chapter is really short as it just sets the story. i'll try my best to post the next chapter by next week. i didn't get to fix mistakes, my apologies for that.

**.the beginning**

Jun meets Sehyoon in his junior year of high school, just as he’s about to be shoved inside the janitor’s closet for the seventh time that month.

He already feels the dread of getting stuck inside, the dark closing in on him, the smell of bleach making him gag. He knew being the youngest kid in class will spell trouble for him, he just didn’t think it would be to this extent.

At least they didn’t decide to make a sport of him. The bruises on his ribs haven’t fully healed yet, it’s still soft to the touch, still an ugly purplish yellow.

He closes his eyes, as he gets shoved, waiting for the bang of the door but it doesn’t come. When he opens his eyes, there’s a boy stooped in front of him, dark hair falling over his eyes. Jun thinks he looks familiar but his brain is refusing to process the information. For a few seconds, Jun can only stare.

“Hey,” the other boy’s voice is soft, almost a whisper. “I’m Sehyoon. You ok?” the boy, Sehyoon, reaches out a hand to him. Now that he sees his face, Jun does remember him in class. He’s that boy whose head was always on the table, almost always asleep but manages to answer the teacher’s question every single time.

He nods slowly and takes the offered hand. The smile he gets from Sehyoon, toothy and bright, is something Jun never forgets. It catches Jun off guard, makes him _blink_ and _blink._

He doesn’t know it yet, but this is the beginning.


	2. an act of kindess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time, Jun doesn't run.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter wasn't even supposed to exist but here we are. please take note of the additional archive warning. while the bullying and violence is not explicitly graphic, i'm going to err on the side of caution. 
> 
> i didn't get to go thru this thoroughly so there are probably mistakes. i'll try my best to edit those later.

**.an act of kindness**

 

Faced with Sehyoon’s kindness, Jun does the only logical thing he could think of, he runs. His lungs burn, blood roaring in his ears as he tries to find his way out of their maze of a school. The classrooms blur past him, until finally he sees the entrance to the school. He sprints the last few steps into freedom.

He runs to his bike and pedals away, legs pumping, leaving the school behind. 

When he reaches the familiar lights of downtown, he slows down. He can feel his legs ache and burn from the exertion. The sweat soaks his shirt and it’s only then that he realizes that he’s left his bag behind. He curses himself for his stupidity. That had all his books and his phone and his wallet. He prays to all the deities that it’s still in the janitor’s closet. Small mercies that he has his house key in his ID lace stil lhanging around his neck.

Nothing he can do about it now, he’ll have to look for it tomorrow.

 

When he reaches the apartment he now calls home, he finally breathes a sigh of relief. He can feel his bones ache.

It’s darkness and quiet that welcomes him when he finally turns the knob.

“Dad?” He calls out. No answer. So he’s alone again tonight. A typical night then.

He sighs and trudges to his room, closing the door behind him. 

He goes straight to bed, not having enough energy to even change his clothes, doesn’t even bother turning on the lights. The neon lights of downtown is enough for Jun to see the picture by this bed. 

He closes his eyes, letting the tears slide down his face and into the sheets. 

 

He decides to go to school early the next morning to try and look for his missing bag when someone grabs him. He doesn’t see it, just feels the pain as he is slammed on the wall just a few feet from the doors of the school. 

His eyes water, vision blurring. He can’t really see it but he does hear the sound of hands slamming on the wall, just beside his ear. The shadow that falls over him tells him that it’s probably someone tall. He already has his suspicion as to who it is. 

“Nobody wants you here. Do everyone a favor and just kill yourself.” The words are hissed in his ear. The words make Jun’s heart race. The tone makes him cringe. 

He feels hands on his neck and Jun tries his best the claw at it, he feels his vision darken and his throat close. He shouldn’t be panicking, he knows that but he can’t help it. 

He hears a voice shouting but he can’t make out the words. Suddenty, there’s nothing. His knees buckle and he slides to the floor. He feels his hands shaking as he tries to breathe slowly.  _In. Out. Inhale. Exhale._

When he gets his breath back, he looks up to see someone in front of him pushing Jin Tae away. 

“I don’t want to see you near him again.” the voice is quiet, calm even. It reminds Jun of someone but his mind fails to cooperate. Too busy keeping him from spiraling into memories. He watches as Jin Tae sneers at him but leaves nonetheless.

The person crouches in front of him, a good foot away. Now that Jun can see him, he’s surprised that it’s Sehyoon. 

“Hey you with me? You ok?” It’s so reminiscient of yesterday. And just like yesterday Jun has the urge to bolt but he tamps it down because Sehyoon just practically saved him twice now. He at least owes him an answer and some form of thanks. 

“I’m fine.” Jun’s voice cracks. His throat still hurts a bit but it’s not as bad as he thought it would be. 

Sehyoon doesn’t look like he believes him if the frown on his face is anything to go by. Jun is thankful that he doesn’t call him out though. 

“Your things are with me by the way. You left them yesterday.” Relief floods Jun at that. He doesn’t understand why Sehyoon’s being nice. They don’t know each other. Before yesterday, they’ve never even talked, not that Jun’s talked to a lot of people but still, the few people he did talk to didn’t include Sehyoon. So, it is a wonder as to why he’d even go out of his way to help him. Whatever the reason maybe, Jun is just thankful. 

“Thank you.” Sehyoon smiles, the same smile he gave him yesterday. It’s still as bright as he remembers it.

Sehyoon stands up and reaches out a hand to him just like he did yesterday. Jun takes it and gets pulled up. This time though, he doesn’t run. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know i said updates are gonna be every month because my attention span when it comes to writing is almost non-existent but yeah, apparently my mind is cooperating right now so you guys will have another chapter after this. thank you so much for everyone who left comments and kudos. i really appreciate it. if you want to shout at me or just talk, you can find me on twt @mysehjunheart :)


	3. writings on the table

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You either love or hate Lee Donghun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes we have two chapters today. 
> 
> same goes for this one, i wasn't able to read it thoroughly. there are probably mistakes which i'll try to fix later on.

**.writings on the table**

Lee Donghun is popular.

He’s the type of person you either love or hate.

Half of the school is afraid that they’ll earn his ire. He may not look it, with his kind features and slanted eyes that make him look like he’s perpetually on the brink of tears, but he can definitely make a grown man cry without even lifting a finger. Well, actually he will, but only to turn on his microphone.

Everyone still remembers Mr. Sandy the American teacher who was let go freshman year. Well, Jun doesn’t remember him, didn’t even meet him but he’s heard enough stories.

No one knows how Mr. Sandy earned Donghun’s ire only that Donghun’s podcast on the intricacies of the life of an unnamed English teacher who can’t speak a grammatically correct sentence to save his life and was the actual scum of the earth, was the one responsible for the school firing him. Of course Donghun didn’t actually say Mr. Sandy’s name but anyone with a brain could put two and two together.

If stories were to be believed, Mr. Sandy was addicted to online poker that he lost so much money he had to resort to shoplifting so that he could eat. There’s another story, hushed and not as openly said, about how Mr. Sandy harassed the kind and innocent and lovable Ms. NCA the Friday nurse (whom Jun adores).

After that, Mr. Sandy left the school with actual tears in his eyes. Some say that Donghun and Sehyoon were by the door when he left and that Mr. Sandy looked absolutely terrified. Of course, this is high school and Jun can’t really trust anyone’s words. Still, Jun is a bit afraid of him.

The other half of the population adores him. From his bedroom DJ voice to his angelic singing voice to his skateboarding prowess and his near perfect scores (except English, in that one, he barely passes) make him the perfect student.

He’s also friends with two of the most popular students in the school.

There’s Chan whose equally amazing voice makes anyone who listen to him melt into a puddle of goo and whose bright personality rivals the sun. He’s a freshman who’s just friends with EVERYONE. He’s also incredibly smart, taking advance classes and foreign languages just for fun.

Then there’s Sehyoon.

Sehyoon who’s beckoning Jun to join them in the lunch table. Sehyoon who practically saved him from another _fun_ afternoon inside the janitor’s closet and later on from a beating. Sehyoon who’s so talented in everything he chooses to do that everyone thinks he’s a genius but is almost constantly asleep in class.

Sehyoon who has decided that they’re practically friends now and has invited him to join them for lunch.

Jun is a little scared to even approach the table but Sehyoon is not just beckoning him with a nod but is actually calling him, “Jun! We’re here.” Of course Jun knows where they are. Everyone knows where they are (round table by the large windows).

They shine together. With the morning light shining behind them, they could be idols who just decided to have lunch at the high school cafeteria.

When he finally musters enough courage to make his feet move and approach the table, he feels the rest of the student body looking at him, whether they’re excited for him to be so epically humiliated or if they’re in awe of his courage to approach The Table he doesn’t know.

Jun looks at the farthest available seat from Sehyoon and Donghun but Sehyoon pats the seat beside him.

“I reserved a seat for you.” Jun wants to curse his luck. Of course he did.

He sets his lunch, a soggy peanut butter sandwich and an apple, on the table and makes a point to not lift his eyes from where it has decided to memorize every single oddity of the lunch table. There’s a scribbled WoW and a robot drawn beside it, the name Frank Ocean written in all caps with a blue marker and a yellow sun behind both. He looks at it and looks at it and traces the lines with a finger, immersed in the difference of style when Donghun speaks.

“Are you just going to stare at the table?” Jun is taken by surprise and feels his shoulder tense as he looks at Doghun. Jun doesn’t really know what to say. He was planning on just eating his sandwich quietly until everyone else on the table forget his existence or grow tired of him so he can go back to being invisible.

“Knock it off. You’re going to scare him away.” Sehyoon chides as he throws a fry at Donghun.

Chan who’s seated right in front of him gives him a wide smile. It reminds Jun of the sun. “Don’t mind him. He’s always like that but he’s really sweet.”

“I’m the oldest here. I don’t deserve this disrespect.”

“I’m Chan by the way,” Chan continues as if Donghun didn’t even speak. Donghun just tsks.

Jun does a little bow, “I know. I saw you perform during the assembly. You and Donghun were really amazing.”

“Did you hear that?” Chan breaks into a smile, his face opens and his shoulders shake in delight. Jun is reminded of a child and he can’t keep but duck his head and hide his smile.  

Beside him, Donghun looks at Chan fondly before turning his eyes on him. He looks at him, brows furrowed and a frown pulling at his lips. Jun’s smile slides off his lips, he feels his shoulders tense.

Honestly, Jun likes Donghun, he has an amazing voice and he’s a decent enough guy who has never once given him a hard time. But right now, as he waits for Donghun to say something, anything, he can’t help but be just a tad bit terrified.

It’s Sehyoon who breaks the staring match Jun didn’t even realize they were having by shoving a fry in Donghun’s mouth.

Jun couldn’t help but giggle at the look of offense in Donghun’s face only to proceed to munch on the fry.

“Both of you stop staring and eat your food.”

Donghun rolls his eyes in reply and turns back to Jun.

“Fine. You can stay.”

Chan lets out whoop and Sehyoon smiles. Jun sighs in relief.

 

Later, much later when Jun has spent enough time with them that he realizes that Donghun really is a softie hiding behind sarcasm, Donghun tells him the story of each of the writings on the table. It’s just them since Sehyoon’s lunch period isn’t the same as theirs every Tuesday and Chan had to dash because of a project he hasn’t finished yet.

“Sehyoon really likes art and one day he didn’t have any paper with him so he decided to write on the table. The rest, we just added over time.” Donghun begins. “He wanted to be called Wow. He produces music sometimes under that name. The robot you can probably already guess.”

“Wow? How did he come up with that?”

“Huh… I’ve never asked.” Donghun takes a bite of his sandwich. Jun looks at the drawings and traces the sun.

“I bet the sun is Chan. He’s a real Chanshine isn’t he.” Jun laughs at his little joke but Donghun doesn’t join him, just tsks at him. Jun just laughs louder.

“So are you Frank Ocean then?” Jun can barely keep the smile of his face. He can’t really picture Donghun with an English name much less such an old sounding name like Frank Ocean.

“He’s a musician dumbass. I happen to really like his music. I want to be a singer like him someday.” Jun’s heart aches a little at that but he pushes it down as he grabs a blue marker from his bag.

Donghun doesn’t say anything as he draws a little wave beside Frank Ocean. It’s sloppy. He’s not really an artist but he tries his best to keep it neat.

When he’s done, he looks up to find Donghun watching him, an eyebrow raised. “What’s yours gonna be then?”

Jun doesn’t really understand the question. Well, he does but doesn’t at the same time. Donghun asks it offhandedly, almost an afterthought but Jun knows it’s not. Donghun can be really possessive of the company he keeps. It took him months to finally stop looking at Jun like he’s there to steal Sehyoon or Chan away. And so this invitation to write something on the table feels like he’s finally a part of the group. (He could just be reading too much into it and it’s probably nothing but Jun would like to believe otherwise.)

He doesn’t really have an idea and he says as much.

“I don’t know.”

Donghun hums, “Well if you can’t think of anything, dumbass is still available.”

Jun should be offended but he’s not. He throws his head back and laughs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed to be the second chapter, i already had it written even before the chapter before this which is why we have two updates today. not always going to happen though. anyway, i'm going to try my best to post the next update by next week but that chapter is only 5% written so no promises. 
> 
> as always, comments and kudos are appreciated. :)


	4. markers and Saturdays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jun wishes he could run in one direction and arrive somewhere else. He wants to run from everything, run away even from himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is late, i know. apologies for that, but this particular chapter was difficult to write. as always, i wasn't able to look closely at the chapter anymore so if you find mistakes, please let me know. 
> 
> this chapter is set a few weeks after the events of the last chapter

**.markers and Saturdays**

Jun takes to running every Saturday morning. There’s a park just outside of the city. This early, with the sky still dark, sun not yet taken its perch on the sky, there are only a few people around. Some people jog on the tracks, a few bike around but nobody really talks to each other. The quality of the quiet is settling, almost peaceful.

And so Jun has taken to running here every Saturday morning. He wakes just like he usually does for school and runs. The crisp morning air refreshes him, the solid earth beneath his feet ground him. The monotonous motion of his feet hitting the ground, his lungs burning, legs pumping, sweat dripping, calm him. He doesn’t really go anywhere, just makes a circuit of the track, running laps over and over again until the sun perches high on the sky and people fill the park.

It’s unbearably hot for a November morning. Leaves have turned fiery but the air is stifling, not providing any relief. He’s wearing a yellow hoodie over his shirt thinking it will be cold out but right now it’s sticking to his arms and his back. It annoys him that he didn’t think to check for today’s weather. But more than that he hates that he’s not going anywhere. Jun wishes he could run in one direction and arrive somewhere else. He wants to run from everything, run away even from himself.

He doesn’t usually get like this. Usually, a run will clear his mind but today is different. He runs and runs and runs. He runs and runs until his knees give out, runs until the sun is out, the sunrays making it even hotter. He sits in the middle of the track. The concrete is scorching underneath him but he can’t bring himself to stand up just yet, legs too weak, breath too short.

“I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to run until you collapse.” Someone stands before him, their shadow a blessing from the heat. When he looks up, it’s Sehyoon he sees, a hand extending a water bottle like some sort of offering. For a moment he’s too surprised to see Sehyoon here that he doesn’t say anything and just stares maybe a second too long than he should.

“Go on. Wouldn’t want you to die in this heat.” He shakes the bottle in front of him. Jun can only nod in thanks.

The water is blessedly cold. He didn’t even realize he was thirsty until he starts drinking, nearly finishing it in one go. When he gulps the last of the water, he puts the cap back on and wipes his lips with the back of his hand.

“Thanks. Didn’t really think it would be this hot today.” He stretches his legs and tests if it can handle him standing again. Sehyoon holds out a hand to help him up. Jun is suddenly reminded of the first time they met.

“Come on, I left my bike by the shade.” He lets himself be pulled up. Sehyoon’s cold hand is a relief against the warmth of his palms. When Sehyoon lets go, his hands are warm again.

He follows Sehyoon to the tiny hill beside the tracks. Jun hasn’t really climbed the hills, just knows that there are trees here and beyond it a tiny playground for kids. He spies a small black bike leaning against the tree. He hopes its Sehyoon’s because his limbs are crying and begging him to stop with the walking. He sighs in relief when Sehyoon sits beside the bike underneath the tree. Without the glare of the sun behind him, Jun can see that Sehyoon is wearing a red shirt with a printed WOW in the middle of it, and on his head he wears a white helmet. It’s the not the usual kind of helmet you’d often see teenagers wear. Honestly, it looks more for a child, but oddly enough, he finds that it suits Sehyoon.

“Nice get-up.” He tells Sehyoon as he sits beside him under the shade. The grass is uncomfortable underneath him, pricking him through the thin jogging pants he’s wearing. He tries to find a more comfortable place but finds none. At least he’s out of the scalding heat.

Beside him, Sehyoon lets out a laugh as he takes the helmet off.  His black hair is in complete disarray. It makes Jun want to reach out and tame it but he stills his hands.

“My mother gave the shirt as a birthday gift and the helmet is from Donghun and Chan.” He explains as he hands the helmet to Jun. Upon closer inspection, he sees that there are doodles on it, the same ones on their lunch table and some he’s pretty sure are Wow’s art. They’re of different shades too, blacks and blues bleeding into reds and purples.

“They made those when they gave it to me,” he says as he points to a drawing of a sun with the words _i’m your sunshine_ underneath and a tear drop with the caption NO I’M NOT CRYING right at the very top.

“I did all the rest.” There’s a boxy smile on Sehyoon’s lips. It reminds him of children telling funny stories to each other, innocent and carefree. He traces the lines with his fingers. Jun isn’t very good when it comes to visual arts but he does appreciate the elaborate patterns and design Sehyoon has made. The shape of the helmet may be that of a child, probably meant as a gag gift from Donghun and Chan, but art has made it into something else, like a map or a scrapbook or a journal, full of memories and stop overs and stories. There’s one of a robot that Jun thinks is supposedly smiling. Some are faded while some look like it’s been freshly drawn. There are stories, multitudes of histories behind each line. He wants to ask but can’t bring himself to just yet.

“I really like it, it suits you.” He says as he hands back the helmet. He wishes he had a marker on him just so he can draw something as well, leave a mark somehow.

As if reading his mind, Sehyoon takes out a marker from his pocket, a fluorescent blue sharpie that looks well used what with the smudges of colors on its cap.

“Why don’t you add something of yours?” Jun looks at him and can’t help the smile that breaks out of his face. He takes the pen and places the helmet on his lap. Looks at the different designs in varying colors and thinks about what he wants to add. There’s hardly any space left but he finds one near the top, a space beside Donghun’s teardrop.

He fidgets with the marker in his hands, twirling it between his fingers. Just a few seconds ago he wanted to make something, but now he’s not so sure what he wants to draw. Finally, a memory surfaces and he smiles. With shaking hands, he makes a small circle and draws tiny ears on top. He draws whiskers and a nose and eyes. Satisfied, he puts the cap back on.

“There,” he whispers. When he looks at Sehyoon, he sees him looking, head tilted and an oddly thoughtful expression evident with the quirking of his brows. Jun feels his cheeks warm. It’s disconcerting to see him so focused when half the time he looks bored, and is only ever energetic when they’re all together for lunch. But then, there’s a little smirk on his lips and it changes his face from thoughtful to mischievous.

“A cat?”

He shakes his head a little to clear his thoughts then lets himself smile a little. It tastes bittersweet on his lips. He keeps his eyes trained on the helmet on his lap, tracing the cat he just drew. It smudges the ink and when looks at his fingers they’re tinted with blue. Slowly, he gets lost in the memories, of someone calling him and singing to him and playing him the piano. He doesn’t realize he’s closed his eyes until someone nudges him and he startles.

When he opens his eyes and turns, Sehyoon has lain down on the grass but he’s extending another water bottle towards him.

“I’d figure you need to drink more. This heat is really just too much.” He takes the offered bottle and uncaps it but doesn’t drink, just looks at the water as it catches the light, fragmenting into different colors.

They stay quiet like that. It should be comfortable like the quiet between them usually is, but there’s tension coiling in his gut and a stiffness in his shoulders that won’t go no matter how many breaths he take. There’s energy in his veins that tells him to run again even though his legs would probably protest.

Just when the silence brinks on unbearable, Sehyoon speaks, voice almost a whisper.

“I bike here on Saturdays when I wake up early enough. And sometimes I see you run.” Sehyoon turns his head towards him, their eyes meeting.

“You always look like you’re lost in thought so I try not to bother you. But today, today you looked like you were running away. You don’t have to tell me what’s bothering you or why you turned quiet just now, just know that I’d listen if you want to talk about it. I may not be good with words like Donghun but I’m very good at listening.”

Jun wants to say something but can’t think of the right words. When he finds them, they’re different from what he wanted to say.

Jun begins, “Why’d you help me? Before I mean.”

Sehyoon turns away from him and tilts his head to the sky, an arm slung over his eyes. The sunlight filtering through the red leaves above them makes his skin glisten. Jun just looks at him, waiting for an answer. Sehyoon remains quiet though, Jun thinks he might have fallen asleep. He sighs and lies beside him.

Just when he’s resigned himself to the silence, Sehyoon speaks. “I’m sure you’ve noticed. I don’t have a lot of friends. Donghun and Chan can make friends wherever they go but I can’t. It’s not that I’m extremely shy, although I am, mostly, I just can’t stand being surrounded by so many people.” His voice still holds the quiet quality to it. Jun listens to him speak as he watches the red leaves overhead.

“Donghun was my first friend. We were in middle school attending this summer English camp. I can’t even remember most of it anymore. But I remember Donghun. He was constantly talking to me even when I didn’t want to until I just got tired of keeping my mouth shut. I didn’t understand how, but I guess we became friends when I wasn’t looking.”

Jun can picture it with almost complete clarity. He thinks of Sehyoon, cheeks still pudgy with youth, hair maybe a bit shorter. He’d hide behind his books, eyes always trained on the ground. He still sees it sometimes. People think it’s him being intimidating when really, it’s just Sehyoon’s natural state.

He sees Donghun too, sees him as a kid, wearing a jacket too big for him, socked feet slipped on a sandal. He sees him always the first one to raise his hand to answer questions. He imagines him trailing after Sehyoon and then dragging him to the cafeteria or the park or the library, forcing his presence on Sehyoon, never tiring of trying to crack the shell of the shy little boy in his class.

It’s an endearing picture that makes his heart warm. A part of their history that he’s being made privy to.

“Chan and Donghun lived near each other all their lives and because I was friends with Donghun, I became friends with Chan too.” Sehyoon reaches out a hand to the sky, fingers splayed out.

“I didn’t even realize I was lonely until I met them. I was lonely but I didn’t have to be anymore.”

Sehyoon turns to look at him and Jun looks at him too. There’s something in his eyes that looks like determination. “The first days of school, I saw you and you looked lonely, and I wanted to help you not be anymore. I guess I was looking for a way to approach you and I found one.”

Determination morphs into a tiny smile, a kind that he hasn’t seen before. It’s almost invisible if you aren’t looking at him closely, just a slight upturn of the lips. But his eyes, his eyes shine. With the light and the shadows, they look almost red.

Unbidden, a lump gets stuck in Jun’s throat. Loneliness has always been a close companion even before they went here that he didn’t know what it looked like to be without it anymore. It has become a norm, just an accepted part of everyday, quiet and tears just as normal as brushing his teeth, as normal as breathing. And all this time no one’s even seen it but here he’s found someone who has. Or someone has found him. And so he begins to loosen his tight grip on loneliness.

Here, under the hot November morning, the shade of the tree saving them from being scorched, the grass scratchy underneath them, the park slowly coming to life with the arrival of mothers with their children in tow, he speaks.

“My sister, Hwayeon, used to call me her little kitten because I always followed her around and always sat on her lap but she never got mad, even gave me this cat ears headband for Christmas.” Jun lets out a chuckle only it’s broken and hoarse, the sound dying as he lets it out. He can’t help the intake of breath, sharp and painful.

“Her anniversary’s coming up on the 23rd and I know that it’s been ten years but I still miss her. Somedays I miss her so much I can’t breathe.” He thumps his chest as he says the words. The tears fall, kissing his skin and his ears and making his already damp hair wet.

“And I love her, I do. But sometimes, I get so mad too. I get so mad that she left me.” He says the words in the wind, a secret he has never had the courage to utter before.

He stays like that, lost in the memories of a sister long gone. He lets the tears fall out in the daylight. Just breathes through the memories.

Jun feels Sehyoon’s hand against his, their fingers entwined. It’s still cold against the warmth of his palms.

 

* * *

 

 

They meet every Saturday after that. Sometimes they bike, sometimes they run and other times they sit under the same tree and talk. Sehyoon tells him of his younger sister, tells him of stories from when they were younger and used to play in the playground just beyond the trees. Jun should feel bitter but he just feels content seeing the smile on Sehyoon’s lips and the brightness of his eyes. In turn, Jun tells him stories of his hometown faraway where his other sister and his mother stay. He tells him of books he’s read and movies he’s watched.

He never brings up Hwayeon again.

As the leaves turn redder still, fall starting to give way to winter, Jun takes to bringing a thermos of hot chocolate or warm soup. He brings a simple mayo and cheese sandwiches for them to share. Sehyoon’s face always lights up no matter what food he brings. His Saturdays become one of the best parts of his weeks along with lunch period.

 

* * *

 

 

The 23rd is a Friday this year. The moment he wakes, he feels a difference in the air, a stifling quality to it he can’t shake. When he goes to the kitchen to prepare lunch for school, he sees his father perched on the stool by the kitchen counter, newspaper in his hand. He’s dressed in a white button down and black pressed pants, not his usual suit for work. There’s a lunch box beside him and a breakfast of toast and juice next to it.

“Good morning Dad.” The words are too loud in the silence and it makes him flinch. His father looks at him as he makes to grab the plate of toast.

“I’m going back home today. I’m sure I can call your school if you want to come with me.”

Jun shakes his head a little and bites the toast. It’s too buttery for his taste. His father heaves a weary sigh. He squeezes Jun’s shoulder as he stands.

 

He knows he’s too quiet at school but no one mentions it. Instead, Sehyoon slides a cup of his favorite ice cream during lunch. Chan takes to talking twice as much and Donghun constantly puts his head on his shoulder even when they’re in class. Jun can’t be sure, but he thinks Sehyoon’s told them what today is but he can’t find it in himself to be mad. In truth he feels touched. It’s a foreign feeling.

“I got the new Star Wars movie. Sleep over?” Sehyoon has a wide smile as they leave the school. Chan lets out a whoop and Donghun a long suffering sigh but he’s smiling anyway. Jun thinks of the empty apartment waiting for him, the too quiet rooms and a picture frame by his bed. It’s not much of a choice.

 

Sehyoon’s house, Jun finds out, is a just a few miles away from the park where they meet every Saturday. It’s between a bingsu café and an old bike shop they apparently own. He meets Eunsuh who’s the same age as Chan and studies at the Arts High School at the other end of the city. She takes one look at him and proclaims him to be the sane one to which Donghun and Chan loudly protest. Then, there’s Sehyoon’s mother whose quiet grace and shinning eyes reminds him so much of Sehyoon. They even have the same smile. But her hands are warm when she reaches out to shake his hand.

They’re treated to a snack of freshly made hotteok and coffee milk much to Donghun’s delight before they plop on the couch in front of the TV. Jun finds himself between Donghun who has once again made a pillow of his shoulder and Sehyoon whose thigh is practically on top of his. Chan has commandeered the TV like he’s done it a thousand times, and Jun muses that he probably has. They’ve been friends for a long time and now, now Jun is part of that. Once the music begins to play and the screen turns from black to colored, Chan plops himself at their feet, head pillowed on his knee.

Jun lets the colors and sounds wash over him, lets the presence of three other people ground him. For the rest of the afternoon and well into the evening, he lets his mind get lost in the now.

 

When Sehyoon’s mother comes in as the credits roll for their third film of the day (LoTR: Two Towers because Sehyoon insists it’s a classic), she raises a brow at them.

“You boys better be asleep in the next thirty minutes or I won’t be making you any breakfast tomorrow.” There’s a smile on her lips that lets Jun know it’s an empty threat but he nods and answers “Yes!” along with everyone else.  

They move the couch and spread comforters on the living room floor, squishing beside each other. He lies beside Chan and Donghun, Sehyoon on the other side of Chan. They exchange good nights as the last of the light of the house gets turned off save for the tiny lampshade by the coffee table, all because Sehyoon can’t sleep in total darkness. Soon, the even breaths and soft snores tell Jun that they’re all asleep. As for him, he lies awake. He keeps his mind carefully blank as he breathes in and out, in and out, willing himself to follow the rest into slumber.

“Sehyoon’s mom makes the best vegetable omelet. Chan doesn’t usually eat vegetables but he can demolish a plate of those.” Donghun’s voice is low probably to not wake the other two already sleeping. Still, it startles Jun just a bit and he lets out a tiny squeak. He waits for a beat making sure that he didn’t wake anyone before he turns on his side to sneer at Donghun. Donghun just gives him a smile.

“Nothing short of the apocalypse would wake Chan and Sehyoon won’t wake unless he’s had at least four hours of sleep.” It doesn’t make Donghun suddenly sneaking on him any better, but he does feel assured that they won’t accidentally wake anyone.

“I thought you were already sleeping.” The warm light of the lampshade above their heads illuminate Donghun a little. His eyes are wide and searching.

“Shouldn’t you be sleeping too?” There’s challenge in Donghun’s voice that makes him roll his eyes.

Jun shrugs back. He thinks of what to say then settles on the truth. “I couldn’t sleep.”

Donghun hums in reply. For a moment, he thinks Donghun fell asleep on him. But then he hears a soft melody.

“Donghun?” The melody stops. A beat.

“You said you couldn’t sleep.” Donghun’s answer doesn’t clear his confusion. It must show on his face because Donghun adds, “I’m singing you a song, dumbass.”

_Oh_

Jun smiles at Donghun. He really is a softie underneath all the sarcasm and all the barbs. He sees Donghun roll his eyes at him but continue singing softly afterwards. Jun listens to him, a part of him wants to join in on the melody but his lips refuse to move. And so he contents himself to watching the play of light on Donghun’s face and to listening to the words and the notes of Donghun’s song. He doesn’t know when he closes his eyes or when he finally falls asleep.

 

When he wakes, it’s to Sehyoon gently shaking his shoulder. It takes him a minute to blink the sleep out of his eyes and to makes his limbs move. When he finally sits up, he sees that Donghun and Chan are still both sleeping. When he looks up at Sehyoon to ask him what’s up, Sehyoon just thrusts a coat to him and tells him to hurry up. He follows Sehyoon and puts on his shoes.

When they step out, he sees the sun has yet to rise fully. The air is still cold from the chill of the night but the light slowly warms him. He tries to ask Sehyoon where they’re going but he just gives him a sleepy smile and nudges him to just follow along.

“Won’t we take our bikes?” he finally asks as he sees Sehyoon make for the bus stop.

“Nope. We’ll have to take a short bus ride.” Sehyoon doesn’t tell him where they’re going and it piques at Jun’s curiosity. He wants to noddle Sehyoon into telling him but he settles for sitting by the bus windows instead. Slowly, the city comes alive as the sun comes up. It’s a Saturday so there are less people rushing past, less people on the street. He wants to see the whole world wake up but his eyes are still in want of sleep.

As if sensing his thoughts, Sehyoon guides his head to his shoulders.

“Sleep,” he tells him. “I’ll wake you up when we get there.”

He lets his eyes close.

 

When Sehyoon shakes him awake for the second time that day, he immediately knows where they’re going. He’s been here before, that first week when he and his father moved into the city. He doesn’t remember much of that day, mind filled with thoughts of the old piano under the stairs.

This time, his mind is awake, taking in the trees and the flowers and the stones on their path. Sehyoon leads him up the steps and into the temple. This early, there are no people around, the world is quiet, the temple still. The fog of the morning has yet to fully lift rendering the world almost surreal.

He walks with Sehyoon to the temple. There’s a reason why he didn’t come back home for Hwayeon’s anniversary, a reason why he hasn’t sung in so long. But all the reasons fall away as he watches the flame of the candle flicker as Sehyoon lights one beside him. He watches the flame dance for a moment and is reminded of bright smiles and the sound of piano keys.

Sehyoon hands him a box of matches and with trembling hands he takes it. For a moment he doesn’t know what to do or rather he does know, but his hands refuse to move. Beside him, Sehyoon stays silent, just stands beside him, a quiet source of strength.

It might have just taken a minute or two but it feels like an eternity before Jun finally strikes a match and lights a candle. The embers seem to glow bright. He closes his eyes and empties his mind. He knows what he’s doing is a poor attempt at honoring his sister’s life but it’s more than he’s done in years. He breathes in and out, tries to remember Hwayeon’s quiet grace and bright eyes. And underneath his breath he whispers, “I miss you Noona. I hope you’re happy now.”

 

Once they get on the bus, Jun turns to Sehyoon and murmurs, “Thank you” because he is thankful. Sehyoon probably doesn’t realize what he gave Jun by bringing him to the temple. Or maybe he does because he doesn’t brush off Jun’s thanks like he usually does but looks at him with knowing eyes and reaches out to squeeze his hand. As the bus begins its journey, Sehyoon rests his head on Jun’s shoulder. He tries his best not to jostle him awake and instead elects to stare out the window, watching the streets and the trees blur into multitudes of color.

 

When they get back to Sehyoon’s home, Chan envelops him in a hug and Donghun flicks his forehead. Jun lets himself laugh.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it took a while because writing jun's loss was a struggle. actually writing any kind of loss is a struggle for me. also i'm gonna be real honest with you, my focus when it comes to writing is that of a toddler it took a while for me to finish this. i'm gonna try my best to post another chapter this month but i ain't making any promises. 
> 
> for those missing BK, don't worry he's coming real soon 
> 
> cookies for those who'll get the reference of my tribute to some of the epic a.c.e fics
> 
> that's it folks, thank you for reading this chapter. i hope you enjoyed reading this.

**Author's Note:**

> this will be part the first part of a series. just as a warning, updates will happen once every month. I'll try to update more than that but i can't really promise it as i'm really busy irl. some chapters will be short but most are longer than this. i'll be adding tags and relationships later on as I don't really want to spoil the story. if there are any warnings to be made, i'm going to include it in the a/n before the update. 
> 
> thank you so much for reading, as always, kudos and comments are much appreciated. :)


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